The Magician’s Daughter

 

 

GILL                It’s a big day today.

 

BILL                It’s an important day today.

 

GILL                It’s the end of an era.

 

BILL                All this to go.

 

GILL                No more rubbing and scrubbing.

 

BILL                No more squeezing and squishing.

 

GILL                No more pegging and pinning.

 

BILL                They’re getting a machine.

 

GILL                Loads of machines.

 

BILL                After years of rubbing and scrubbing.

 

GILL                squeezing and squishing.

 

BILL                pegging and pinning

 

GILL                they’re getting a machine.

 

BILL                a machine’ll get it clean

 

GILL                but a machine won’t care

 

BILL                not like we care

 

GILL                how can a machine care?

 

BILL                you think a machine’ll know

if a sock has been made

for five toes or four?

 

GILL                I don’t think so

 

BILL                I don’t think so

cos machine doesn’t remember

 

GILL                But we remember

 

BILL                remember this?

 

GILL                Of course I remember this

It belongs to our Queen

she wore this on that picnic

just after they were married

when she nearly fell off the horse

 

BILL                I thought that were the yellow one

 

GILL                No, this one silly

I remember

 

BILL                Remember this?

 

GILL                This belongs to our King

He was wearing that …

this is sad this bit…

he was wearing that

the day he heard his father

the Old King

died.

 

BILL                Oh aye, it’s sad that bit

 

GILL                Ten years ago now.

 

BILL                Twelve.

 

GILL                Ten – I remember.

 

BILL                No, I remember – twelve.

 

GILL                Do you remember the day he were born?

The day our King were born?

 

BILL                Of course I remember the day he were born

bundle of joy for his mother.

 

GILL                They’d been waiting and waiting for a baby

 

BILL                almost given up hope

 

GILL                The Old King his father was away fighting somewhere

 

BILL                he always were

the Old King

always away fighting somewhere

 

GILL                The Queen was overjoyed

 

BILL                bit surprised mind you

 

GILL                but certainly overjoyed

 

                        You’re a handsome little man

 

BILL                more like a wrinkled prune really

 

GILL                won’t your father be pleased

 

BILL                Please your majesty

what are you going to call ‘im

 

GILL                Nothing At All

 

BILL                I beg you pardon?

 

GILL                Nothing At All

the King will want to play a part in naming his son

so until the King returns

we will call him

Nothing At All

 

BILL                so that’s what they called him

Nothing At All

 

GILL                and that’s what we call him still

even though he’s now our King

King Nothing At All.

 

                        Now Nothing At All’s father

the Old King

finally finished his fighting

and he set off marching home

with his army

still not knowing that he’d got a baby son.

 

BILL                The King and his army marched and marched

till they came to a mighty river

that rushed in a roarin’ torrent

between banks of rugged rock.

 

GILL                The King and his army were stuck

on the banks of the river

It was much too dangerous to try to cross.

 

BILL                Sorry chaps

bit of a problem

 

GILL                And there they might be standing till this very day

if a giant as tall as a tree

hadn’t suddenly arrived on the scene.

 

Looks like you  got a spot of bothersome trouble there

Your majesty

 

BILL                Right enough old boy

bit of a problem

 

GILL                Reckon I might be a handy help to you there your majesty

 

BILL                Really

 

GILL                Being rather on the huge side

I could be carrying you and your army

right across this roaring river

in less than no time

 

BILL                Ah

but what’s your price old boy?

I know you giant types

always after something

 

GILL                That’s not very nice your majesty

I offer to be all handy-helplike

and you’re not trusting of me

 

BILL                Forgive me old chap

but I’ve been caught out before

by you big fellows

So what is it then?

What is it you want?

What must I give you

to carry me and my army across the river?

 

GILL                Nothing at all.

 

BILL                I be your pardon?

 

GILL                Nothing at all

That’s what you must give me

Nothing at all

Will you promise me?

 

BILL                Promise to give you nothing at all?

 

GILL                That’s right

 

BILL                Well of course I will

and gladly too

very decent of you old boy

 

GILL                And so the giant picked up the king

and he picked up the king’s army

and he carried the king and his army across the river

 

BILL                And all for nothing at all what?

 

GILL                Once across the river

the King rode hard

because he’d been away a long time

and was looking forward to some home cooking

 

BILL                and having his clothes properly washed

 

GILL                rubbed and scrubbed

 

BILL                and squeezed and squished

 

GILL                and pegged and pinned

 

BILL                and he rode and he rode

till at last he reached the castle

Stable your horses men.

 

GILL                I got a surprise

Shut your eyes and hold out your hands

you’ll never guess what.

 

BILL                is this ours?

our little baby boy

what’s his name?

 

GILL                Ah

now that’s the best bit

I’ve been very clever

I knew you’d want to play your part in naming our son

so just for now

just while you were away

I called him Nothing At All

 

BILL                You must have called him something dear

 

GILL                Yes I did

Nothing At All

I called him Nothing At All

 

BILL                O I see

yes

very clever

Nothing at…

What?

Nothing At All

You called our son Nothing At All

 

GILL                Yes

but only till you got back

we can choose a proper name now

 

BILL                Our son

our darling son

the son that was born to brighten our days

to lighten our lives

you called our son Nothing At All

 

GILL                There’s no need to be so horrid darling

it was just my little joke

 

BILL                But then the King told the Queen what had happened at the river

 

GILL                how the giant had seemed all kind and handy-helplike

but how in fact the giant had tricked him

 

BILL                And now it was the Queen’s turn

to turn as white as the whitest sheet I’ve ever washed

and to weep and wail like it was the end of the world

 

GILL                why did you make a promise to a giant?

You know what they’re like

 

BILL                I just wanted see you again

 

GILL                Now he’ll eat our son for breakfast!

 

BILL                We didn’t know what were up

we only found out much later

after it were all over

quite what the whole story were

 

GILL                all we knew was that instead of being happy at having a baby

the King and the Queen were as miserable as muggins

 

BILL                Miserable as what?

 

GILL                Muggins

 

BILL                Muggins?

 

GILL                And so it continued for ten long years

 

BILL                I remember eight

 

GILL                ten

 

BILL                I think you’ll find it were eight

 

GILL                I think you’ll find it were just after Gladys leftt

 

BILL                Ah Gladys

taught us everything did Gladys

 

GILL                what she didn’t know about stubborn stains

 

BILL                And stories

so Gladys had gone by the time the giant come back

 

GILL                course she had or she’d have given him a piece of her mind

 

BILL                she would too our Gladys

she didn’t care

 

GILL                so it was ten years then

 

BILL                must have been

funny what your memory does

 

GILL                ten years later and the giant turns up on the doorstep

 

 

BILL                Ah my good man

nice to see you again

 

GILL                No you’re mistaken there your majesty

it’s not in fact one little bit nice to see me

You promised me Nothing At All

that’s why I’ve come

 

BILL                Nothing At All

yes

handsome little chap

excuse me a moment won’t you

 

darling

darling

 

what do we do?

He’s here on the doorstep

and he’s awfully big

 

GILL                You’ll just have to tell him

you’re terribly sorry

but it’s all been a ghastly mistake

you’re sure he’ll understand

and cheerio

 

BILL                Yes of course darling

how very clever

 

My good man

ah there you are

yes

it’s all been a ghastly mistake

terribly sorry

cheerio

 

GILL                Nothing At All

 

BILL                of course

just one moment

 

GILL                darling

darling

 

BILL                he’s even bigger than we thought

 

GILL                The hen-wife

 

BILL                The who?

 

GILL                The woman who looks after the chickens

 

BILL                What does she do to the chickens?

 

GILL                She looks after the chickens

collects the eggs

that sort of thing

 

BILL                does she?

 

GILL                yes

And she’s got a son the same age as Nothing At All

we’ll give the giant the hen-wife’s son

and he’ll never know the difference

 

BILL                What’ll the hen-wife say?

 

GILL                She’s got lots of children

she won’t notice

We’ve only got the one

 

BILL                Now I’m not sure about that

 

GILL                I don’t think that was right

 

BILL                giving the giant the hen-wife’s son

 

GILL                just because they were a King and Queen

and thought themselves more important

 

BILL                But that’s what they did

and it didn’t get them out of trouble

as we shall see

 

GILL                The giant took the little boy

and lifted him high onto his shoulders

 

BILL                and the King and the Queen

acted like it was their own son the giant had took

and not the hen-wife’s lad at all

 

GILL                O my darling my darling

I’ll never see you again

 

BILL                O cruel fate

O dismal day

The sun will shine no more

 

I say darling you are very good

you could be a proper actress you know

 

GILL                And you darling

what a magnificent voice you have

 

BILL                Thank you darling.

Darling,

do you think we fooled the giant?

 

GILL                I’m sure we did

 

And maybe the giant was fooled

to begin with

 

BILL                But it wasn’t long till the giant stopped for a breather

and he said to the lad on his shoulders

 

GILL                You, boy, on my shoulders say

What do you make the time of day?

 

BILL                and the Hen-Wife’s son replied: