The Magician’s Daughter
GILL It’s a big day today.
BILL It’s an important day today.
GILL It’s the end of an era.
BILL All this to go.
GILL No more rubbing and scrubbing.
BILL No more squeezing and squishing.
GILL No more pegging and pinning.
BILL They’re getting a machine.
GILL Loads of machines.
BILL After years of rubbing and scrubbing.
GILL squeezing and squishing.
BILL pegging and pinning
GILL they’re getting a machine.
BILL a machine’ll get it clean
GILL but a machine won’t care
BILL not like we care
GILL how can a machine care?
BILL you think a machine’ll know
if a sock
has been made
for five
toes or four?
GILL I
don’t think so
BILL I
don’t think so
cos
machine doesn’t remember
GILL But we remember
BILL remember this?
GILL Of
course I remember this
It
belongs to our Queen
she wore this
on that picnic
just
after they were married
when she
nearly fell off the horse
BILL I thought that were the yellow
one
GILL No, this one silly
I
remember
BILL Remember this?
GILL This belongs to our King
He was
wearing that …
this is
sad this bit…
he was
wearing that
the day
he heard his father
the Old
King
died.
BILL Oh aye, it’s sad that bit
GILL Ten years ago now.
BILL Twelve.
GILL Ten – I remember.
BILL No, I remember – twelve.
GILL Do you remember the day he were
born?
The day
our King were born?
BILL Of course I remember the day he
were born
bundle of
joy for his mother.
GILL They’d been waiting and waiting
for a baby
BILL almost given up hope
GILL The Old King his father was away
fighting somewhere
BILL he always were
the Old
King
always
away fighting somewhere
GILL The Queen was overjoyed
BILL bit surprised mind you
GILL but certainly overjoyed
You’re a handsome little
man
BILL more like a wrinkled prune
really
GILL won’t your father be pleased
BILL Please your majesty
what are
you going to call ‘im
GILL Nothing At All
BILL I beg you pardon?
GILL Nothing At All
the King
will want to play a part in naming his son
so until
the King returns
we will
call him
Nothing
At All
BILL so that’s what they called him
Nothing
At All
GILL and that’s what we call him
still
even
though he’s now our King
King
Nothing At All.
Now Nothing At All’s
father
the Old
King
finally
finished his fighting
and he set
off marching home
with his army
still not
knowing that he’d got a baby son.
BILL The King and his army marched
and marched
till they
came to a mighty river
that
rushed in a roarin’ torrent
between
banks of rugged rock.
GILL The King and his army were stuck
on the
banks of the river
It was
much too dangerous to try to cross.
BILL Sorry chaps
bit of a
problem
GILL And there they might be standing
till this very day
if a
giant as tall as a tree
hadn’t
suddenly arrived on the scene.
Looks
like you got a spot of bothersome
trouble there
Your
majesty
BILL Right enough old boy
bit of a
problem
GILL Reckon I might be a handy help
to you there your majesty
BILL Really
GILL Being rather on the huge side
I could
be carrying you and your army
right
across this roaring river
in less
than no time
BILL Ah
but
what’s your price old boy?
I know
you giant types
always
after something
GILL That’s not very nice your
majesty
I offer
to be all handy-helplike
and
you’re not trusting of me
BILL Forgive me old chap
but I’ve been caught out before
by you
big fellows
So what
is it then?
What is
it you want?
What must
I give you
to carry
me and my army across the river?
GILL Nothing at all.
BILL I be your pardon?
GILL Nothing at all
That’s
what you must give me
Nothing
at all
Will you
promise me?
BILL Promise to give you nothing at
all?
GILL That’s right
BILL Well of course I will
and
gladly too
very
decent of you old boy
GILL And so the giant picked up the
king
and he
picked up the king’s army
and he
carried the king and his army across the river
BILL And all for nothing at all what?
GILL Once
across the river
the King
rode hard
because
he’d been away a long time
and was looking
forward to some home cooking
BILL and having his clothes properly
washed
GILL rubbed and scrubbed
BILL and squeezed and squished
GILL and pegged and pinned
BILL and he rode and he rode
till at
last he reached the castle
Stable
your horses men.
GILL I got a surprise
Shut your
eyes and hold out your hands
you’ll
never guess what.
BILL is this ours?
our
little baby boy
what’s
his name?
GILL Ah
now
that’s the best bit
I’ve been
very clever
I knew
you’d want to play your part in naming our son
so just
for now
just
while you were away
I called
him Nothing At All
BILL You must have called him
something dear
GILL Yes I did
Nothing
At All
I called
him Nothing At All
BILL O I see
yes
very
clever
Nothing
at…
What?
Nothing
At All
You
called our son Nothing At All
GILL Yes
but only
till you got back
we can
choose a proper name now
BILL Our son
our darling son
the son
that was born to brighten our days
to
lighten our lives
you
called our son Nothing At All
GILL There’s no need to be so horrid
darling
it was
just my little joke
BILL But
then the King told the Queen what had happened at the river
GILL how
the giant had seemed all kind and handy-helplike
but how
in fact the giant had tricked him
BILL And
now it was the Queen’s turn
to turn
as white as the whitest sheet I’ve ever washed
and to
weep and wail like it was the end of the world
GILL why
did you make a promise to a giant?
You know
what they’re like
BILL I
just wanted see you again
GILL Now
he’ll eat our son for breakfast!
BILL We
didn’t know what were up
we only
found out much later
after it
were all over
quite what
the whole story were
GILL all
we knew was that instead of being happy at having a baby
the King
and the Queen were as miserable as muggins
BILL Miserable
as what?
GILL Muggins
BILL Muggins?
GILL And
so it continued for ten long years
BILL I
remember eight
GILL ten
BILL I
think you’ll find it were eight
GILL I
think you’ll find it were just after Gladys leftt
BILL Ah
Gladys
taught us
everything did Gladys
GILL what
she didn’t know about stubborn stains
BILL And stories
so Gladys
had gone by the time the giant come back
GILL course
she had or she’d have given him a piece of her mind
BILL she
would too our Gladys
she
didn’t care
GILL so
it was ten years then
BILL must
have been
funny
what your memory does
GILL ten
years later and the giant turns up on the doorstep
BILL Ah
my good man
nice to
see you again
GILL No
you’re mistaken there your majesty
it’s not in fact one little bit nice
to see me
You
promised me Nothing At All
that’s why
I’ve come
BILL Nothing
At All
yes
handsome
little chap
excuse me
a moment won’t you
darling
darling
what do
we do?
He’s here
on the doorstep
and he’s
awfully big
GILL You’ll
just have to tell him
you’re
terribly sorry
but it’s
all been a ghastly mistake
you’re
sure he’ll understand
and
cheerio
BILL Yes
of course darling
how very
clever
My good
man
ah there
you are
yes
it’s all been
a ghastly mistake
terribly
sorry
cheerio
GILL Nothing
At All
BILL of
course
just one
moment
GILL darling
darling
BILL he’s
even bigger than we thought
GILL The
hen-wife
BILL The
who?
GILL The
woman who looks after the chickens
BILL What
does she do to the chickens?
GILL She
looks after the chickens
collects
the eggs
that sort
of thing
BILL does
she?
GILL yes
And she’s
got a son the same age as Nothing At All
we’ll
give the giant the hen-wife’s son
and he’ll
never know the difference
BILL What’ll
the hen-wife say?
GILL She’s
got lots of children
she won’t
notice
We’ve
only got the one
BILL Now
I’m not sure about that
GILL I
don’t think that was right
BILL giving
the giant the hen-wife’s son
GILL just
because they were a King and Queen
and
thought themselves more important
BILL But
that’s what they did
and it didn’t
get them out of trouble
as we shall
see
GILL The
giant took the little boy
and
lifted him high onto his shoulders
BILL and
the King and the Queen
acted
like it was their own son the giant had took
and not
the hen-wife’s lad at all
GILL O
my darling my darling
I’ll
never see you again
BILL O
cruel fate
O dismal
day
The sun
will shine no more
I say
darling you are very good
you could
be a proper actress you know
GILL And
you darling
what a
magnificent voice you have
BILL Thank
you darling.
Darling,
do you
think we fooled the giant?
GILL I’m
sure we did
And maybe
the giant was fooled
to begin
with
BILL But
it wasn’t long till the giant stopped for a breather
and he
said to the lad on his shoulders
GILL You,
boy, on my shoulders say
What do
you make the time of day?
BILL and
the Hen-Wife’s son replied:
When the
sun shines high above our heads
my mother
the Hen-Wife collects all the eggs
GILL What
was that you said?
BILL When
the sun shines high above our heads
my mother
the Hen-Wife collects all the eggs
I’m sorry
it doesn’t quite rhyme
I did my
best
GILL Never
mind the rhyme
who did you
say your mother was?
BILL My
mother?
Why she’s
the Hen-Wife
GILL O
indeed
so your
mother’s a Hen-Wife
and I’ve
been tricked
BILL And
with that the giant took hold of the Hen-Wife’s son
and
hurled him to the ground
which did
for him straight away
GILL dreadful
business
BILL dreadful
indeed
but
that’s giants for you
GILL dreadful
and the
giant came stomping back to the palace
BILL we
could feel that stomping even from down here
GILL stomp
stomp stomp
BILL we
knew something were up
Ah
you’re back
GILL I
am indeed
And what
am I after?
BILL Nothing
At All
GILL Right
again
BILL Just
one moment
darling
darling
he’s back
and he’s
even bigger than before
GILL The
gardener
BILL The
what?
GILL The
man who looks after the garden
BILL What
on earth does he do to the garden?
GILL he
trims the lawn
weeds the
veggies
that sort
of thing
BILL does
he?
GILL yes
he’s got
a son the same age as Nothing At All
we’ll
give the giant the gardener’s son
he’ll
never know the difference
BILL He
noticed last time
GILL But
he won’t think we’d do the same trick twice
BILL What’ll
the gardener say?
GILL He’s
got lots of children
he won’t
notice
We’ve
only got the one
BILL Now
considering
what had happened before
how the giant
had killed the Hen-Wife’s
it seems
a bit mean to do it again
GILL But
that’s what they did
BILL the
giant took the Gardener’s lad
and
lifted him high onto his shoulders
GILL and
once more
the King
and the Queen did some great pretending
O
my darling son
this time
it really is you
and I’ll
never see you again
BILL This
time fate really is cruel
and the
day really is dismal
and the
sun really will shine no more
GILL But
all this acting
it didn’t
do them any good
BILL the
giant stops for a breather
GILL You,
boy, on my shoulders say
What do
you make the time of day?
BILL and
the Gardener’s son replies:
When the
sun sinks low behind the hedges
my father
the Gardener sprinkles his veggies
GILL you
what
BILL I
couldn’t think of a rhyme for vegetables
GILL never
mind the rhyme
who did
you say your father was?
BILL my
father?
Why he’s
the Gardener
GILL so
your father’s a gardener
and I’m a
fool
for
letting myself be tricked twice in the same way
BILL and
with that he hurled the gardener’s son to the ground
killing
him too
GILL now
I think you have to blame the King and the Queen
a bit for that
BILL well
I think you do
it had
happened once
now it
happened again
GILL stomp
stomp stomp
BILL we’d
never heard the like
GILL thought
it was an earthquake
BILL didn’t
know what to think
GILL No
tricks this time
Give me
Nothing At All
and give
him me quick
BILL yes
of course
just one
moment
GILL no
not one moment
now
BILL and
this time not a word was said
Because
this time
There
were no acting at all
[THEY
HAND OVER THE BOY TO THE GIANT]
GILL And
before we go any further
You, boy,
on my shoulders say
What do
you make the time of day?
BILL and
Nothing-at-All replied:
When the
sun finally sets in the west
the King
my father is happy to rest
GILL Oh
he is, is he?
BILL Yes
he is
GILL I
don’t think he’ll be resting happy in his bed
for many
a year to come
ho ho ho
ho ho ho ho
Now
there’s something you ought to know about this giant
BILL cos
that’s what they thought he were
right?
GILL a
giant pure and simple
BILL which
would have been bad enough
GILL he’d
killed the Hen-Wife’s son
BILL and
the Gardener’s lad
GILL and
he’d carried off the King and Queen’s son
to eat
him for breakfast
BILL so
they thought
GILL but
he wasn’t you see
BILL and
he didn’t
GILL He
wasn’t just a giant
BILL and
he didn’t eat the lad for breakfast
GILL he
were a magician
BILL that’s
what he were
GILL and
he’d magiced himself in the shape of a giant
BILL and
he’d taken the boy to be a friend for his daughter
GILL his
only daughter
BILL she
were a lovely lass
GILL but
a lonely lass
BILL she
were more than happy to have the boy to play with
GILL This
magician lived under a waterfall
BILL which
is where a lot of magicians live
GILL rubbish
BILL so
I’ve been told
GILL who
by
BILL a
little bird
GILL nonsense
BILL so
where do they live?
GILL who?
BILL magicians
GILL how
should I know
BILL they
live under waterfalls
GILL you’re
making it up
BILL well
this magician lived under a waterfall
GILL of
course he did
I know that
BILL well
then
GILL well
then?
BILL well
then
they
played together
GILL who
did?
BILL the
magician’s daughter and Nothing-At-All
GILL they
did
they
played well together
BILL they
did
so well
that over
the years
as they
grew up
they grew
quite fond of each other
GILL they
did
very fond
BILL so
fond
that one
day
they both
went to see the magician’s daughter’s father
together
GILL Dad
dad I got
something to ask you
dad
just a
moment my lovely
in the
middle of a rather tricky spell
I’ve got
something important to say dad
I’m sure
it’ll wait a moment
No it
won’t dad
it won’t
wait even a second longer
we want
to get married dad
now look
what you’ve made me do
we love
each other dad
we want
to get married straightaway
you want
to marry a human?
I do yes
But
you’re my daughter
you’re a
magician’s daughter
when
you’re ready you will marry another magician’s son
no I
won’t dad
no
I’m in
love with Nothing-At-All
and I’m
going to marry him
this
little wimp
I got him
for you to play with
not to
marry
You want
to marry my daughter do you?
BILL I
do,sir,
yes
GILL and
do you love her?
BILL Yes
sir, I do
GILL But
do you love her enough?
BILL Yes
I do sir
GILL And
how much is enough
BILL I’m
not exactly sure sir
But
I do know that I love her enough
GILL You’re
a very foolish boy
and not
at all a suitable husband for my daughter
His
answers are wonderful
so
romantic
His
answers are stupid
he doesn’t
know what he’s talking about
BILL All
I know is I love your daughter
and I
shall marry her
GILL Let’s
see what you will do to win her
I’ll set
you a task
agreed?
BILL agreed
GILL If
you succeed you marry my daughter
agreed?
BILL agreed
GILL And
if you fail
I eat you
for breakfast agreed?
BILL agreed
GILL my
stables need mucking out
piles of
horse dung everywhere
think
you’re man enough to shovel it out?
BILL of
course
GILL you’ve
seen my stables have you
BILL of
course
GILL biggest
stables in the world
they’re
seven miles long seven miles wide
and
there’s enough horse manure in there
to heap
up a dung pile the size of
so get
shovelling why don’t you
and I
look forward to eating you in the morning
BILL The
magician was right
the most
enormous pile of dung was waiting for Nothing-At-All
and if he
didn’t clear it by the morning
then I’m
to be eaten for breakfast
GILL so
he stuck a clothes-peg on his nose
and he
started to shovel
BILL and
he scraped and he shovelled
and he
poked and he prodded
and he
piled up the poop
GILL but
it just kept tumbling down
BILL so
that after twelve hours of sweaty shovelling
he was
still wading up to his knees in horse-muck
GILL it’s
like that some days isn’t it
you rub
and you scrub
and the
clothes basket’s just as full as ever
BILL what
am I going to do?
the
sun’ll rise any moment
the cock’ll
crow to start the day
and I’ll
be cooked for breakfast
GILL You look so handsome covered in
sweat
BILL but
all my hard work’s a waste of time
GILL then
we shall try a different way
let’s see
what happens if we ask for help
beasts of
the field birds of the skies
help give
my father a grand surprise
BILL nothing
GILL listen
BILL there
was a stirring and a whispering
GILL and
a squeaking and a twittering
BILL and
suddenly a whirring and a scurrying
as every
little creature who heard the call
came
flying or sampering as fast as they could
to help
their beloved mistress
GILL Because
the magician’s daughter you see
she was a
gentle soul
never
forgot to leave seeds and nuts for the birds
or a
saucer of milk for the hedgehogs
BILL and
now they came to return the favour
for the
lady they loved
GILL And
there were so many creatures
that each
one had to carry off only one tiny parcel of dung
and the
stables were soon completely empty
BILL the
floors shone spick and span
GILL clean
enough to eat your breakfast off
BILL What
the creatures did with dung we can’t be sure
but dung is
very good for lining a nest so I’m told
keeps a
chill wind from whistling through
GILL In
any event the task was done
and the
magician’s daughter’s father were most put out
I suppose
you think you’re clever eh sonny
but you
know what you’ve got between your ears
young
Nothing-At-All?
Why
nothing
at all.
BILL So
then sir
I can
marry your daughter
GILL You
what
BILL The
task is done
so
as we
agreed
I can
marry your daughter
GILL You
think that’s enough?
BILL It’s
what we agreed
GILL You
think that shows that you love her enough?
BILL What
do you mean?
GILL That
was just for starters
if you
really love my daughter you’ll carry out another task
BILL I
do really love your daughter
so very
well
give me
another task
GILL Very
well
I will
you
see that lake
BILL I
see that lake
GILL it’s
seven miles long
iseven
miles wide
and seven
miles deep
BILL you
want me to swim it
GILL I
want you to empty it
I want
you to drain it
every
last drop
agreed
BILL agreed
GILL otherwise
you’re toast
BILL agreed
GILL Nothing-At-All
picked up a bucket
and he
scooped a great pailful from the lake
and he
splooshed the water onto the bank
but it
all just trickled down into the lake again
BILL so
Nothing-at-All picked up another bucket
one in
each hand
so as he
could sploosh twice as fast
but just as
fast as he splooshed
just as
fast
the water
came trickling back down into the lake again
GILL so
that after twelve hours of sweaty splooshing
he was
soaked to the skin
but the
lake wasn’t even a drop emptier than before
BILL it’s
like that some days isn’t it
you smooth
and you press
and the ironing
basket is just as full as ever
what am I
going to do?
the
sun’ll rise any moment
the cock’ll
crow to start the day
and I’ll
be cooked for breakfast
GILL You
look so handsome soaked to the skin
BILL but
all my hard work’s a waste of time
GILL then
we shall try a different way
let’s see
what happens if we ask for help
beasts of
the water fish of the lake
what are
you able to do for my sake?
BILL nothing
GILL listen
BILL still
nothing
GILL listen
BILL there
were an eddying and a rippling
GILL and
a plopping and a splashing
BILL and
suddenly a bubbling and a churning
as every little
fish and water creature that heard the call
came swimming
as fast as they could
to help
their beloved mistress
GILL Because
she were a gentle soul
she never
forgot to toss crusts for the fish
or a
special treat for the otters
BILL and
now they came to return the favour
for the
lady they loved
GILL so
what did they do
these
beasts of the lake
and these
fish of the lake?
BILL the
otters
GILL the
beavers
BILL the
muskrat
GILL the
coypu
BILL the
trout
GILL the
carp
BILL the
perch
GILL the
pike
BOTH how
did they empty the lake?
BILL they
opened their mouths and the drank
GILL they
drank the lake into their bellies
BILL and
there were so many little fish and water creatures
that in
less than a moment
the lake
were quite dry
GILL not
a single drop left
BILL and
the magician’s daughter’s father
He were
most put out
GILL Did
this all by yourself did you
young
Nothing-At-All
all your
own idea?
I don’t
think so
I see my
daughter’s hand in this.
BILL So
then sir
I can
marry your daughter
GILL You
think that’s enough?
BILL It’s
what we agreed
GILL You
love my daughter so little
You think
she’s worth nothing more
than a
pile of horse-dung and pool of dirty water
BILL no
of course not sir
she’s
worth ever so much more than that
GILL then
you’ll carry out another task
BILL Very
well
but this
one’s the last
agreed?
GILL agreed
You see
that tree
BILL I
see the bottom of the tree
the top
of the tree is covered in the cloud
GILL Tis
seven miles high that tree
there’s not a branch till you reach
the top
at the top there’s a nest
in the nest are seven eggs
bring me those seven eggs for my
breakfast
but if you crack a single egg
then you take their place in my
breakfast omlette
agreed
BILL agreed
hang on a
minute
there’s
something I need to know
GILL what?
BILL what
happened to all those fish and water creatures
At the
bottom of the lake?
GILL how
do you mean?
BILL lying
there in a heap with all that water in their bellies
GILL I
don’t know
BILL do
you think they just dried up?
GILL no
once the magician had had a look
I expect they spat the water out
again
and filled up the lake
BILL Do
you reckon?
GILL Well
the lake’s still there isn’t it
BILL Aye,
of course it is.
GILL Happy
now?
BILL I
were just wondering
GILL But
now he’s got to climb the tree
BILL O
aye
the tree
it’s
seven miles high with no branches
Who’s
going to help us this time
GILL I
don’t know
BILL How
about the little birdies again?
GILL You
can only ask them once
And they
helped us clear out the stables
BILL how
about some squirrels?
GILL they
helped clear out the stables too
BILL so
did all the little creatures
GILL fraid
so
we’re
going to have to do it ourselves
with what
we’ve got
BILL we
need something to climb up by
something
to be holding on with
GILL got
it
Fingers
of mine for love of me
Help my love
to climb the tree
And do
you know what happened?
BILL I
bet you’ll never guess
GILL her
fingers dropped off her hands
BILL and
her thumbs
GILL yes
and her thumbs
BILL both
of them
GILL both
of them
BILL all
two of them
GILL yes,
thank you, all two of them
so that’s
ten altogether
eight
fingers and two thumbs
agreed?
BILL agreed
GILL and her fingers and thumbs
arranged themselves up the trunk of
the tree
like
branches
so that
Nothing-At-All could climb up the tree
BILL And
apparently it didn’t hurt
Cos that
were the first thing I thought when I heard about it
Ooh, that
must have hurt I thought
because
if my fingers and thumbs fell off
it would
hurt horribly
GILL but
then you’re not a magician’s daughter
are you
BILL no
I’m not as it happens
GILL So
Nothing-At-All
started
to climb
BILL and
he was just two thirds of the way up
when the
fingers ran out
and he
could climb no further
Oh no
Now what
am I going to do
I’m two-thirds
of the way up
and the
fingers have run out
and I can
climb no further
GILL no
worries
I know
what to do
Oh! Toes
of mine for love o’me.
Help my
true love to climb the tree
BILL you
worked it out then?
GILL Off
dropped the toes from one foot
all five
of them
and they
arranged themselves up the top of the tree
like
branches
so that
Nothin-At-All could climb to the top
BILL It
must be very inconvenient not having fingers
or thumbs
or toes
on one foot
GILL that
comes later
BILL cos
you couldn’t hold things properly
GILL that’s
just what she finds
BILL scissors
would be difficult
GILL can
we get on with the story?
BILL and
without toes on one foot
you’d be
unbalanced
GILL Nothing-At-All
reached the top of the tree
BILL one
foot
would go
faster than the other
GILL you’re
spoiling it
BILL what?
GILL you’re
spoiling the story
BILL no
these things have to be thought of
Perhaps she jus went round and round
in circles?
GILL that
all comes later
for the
moment we’re up the top of the tree
with
Nothing-At-All
BILL Can
you hear me down there?
GILL What?
BILL Can
you hear me?
GILL I
can’t hear you?
BILL What?
GILL I
can’t hear you.
BILL Nor
can I.
I’ve
found the nest
GILL Good
BILL And
the eggs
GILL Good
How many?
BILL Seven
GILL Good
Carry
them carefully
BILL I
will
So Nothing-At-All
set off back down the tree
GILL He
climbed down the toes
BILL all
five of them
GILL and
started down the fingers
BILL and
the thumbs
GILL and
the thumbs
BILL eight
fingers
GILL two
thumbs
BILL two
thumbs
GILL and
just when he reached the bottom thumb
BILL look
here they
are
aren’t
they beautiful
GILL one
of the eggs slipped from his fingers
falling
down down down
and
smashed on the ground at the foot of the tree
BILL O
no
now what
do we do?
Your
father will eat me for breakfast
GILL There’s
nothing else for it
we’ll
have to run away
BILL your
father’s not going to be happy about that
GILL you’re
not wrong there
goodness
know what he will do
I better
take my magic flask with me
just in
case
BILL Where
is your magic flask?
GILL It’s
in my bedroom
BILL Where’s
the key to your bedroom?
GILL It’s
in my pocket
but I
can’t get the key out of my pocket
because I
haven’t got any fingers
BILL or
thumbs
GILL will
you stop going on about thumbs
BILL I
knew there’d be a problem
GILL so
will you get the key out of my pocket for me
BILL Of
course I will
GILL and
go and fetch the flask
BILL Of
course
GILL I’ll
set off running as fast as I can
but
you’ll easily catch me up
because
I’ve only got toes on one foot
BILL and
I bet she just went round and round in circles
GILL no
she didn’t
she just
couldn’t run very fast
BILL how
do you know
GILL because
that’s what she told us
after it
was all over
don’t you
remember
BILL not
that bit no
perhaps I
weren’t listening properly
GILL perhaps
you weren’t
BILL all
right then
I’d
betterl go and fetch the flask
GILL it
didn’t take him long
BILL and
in no time at all
Nothing-At-All
and the magician’s daughter
They’re
running for their lives
away from
the magicians’ house
underneath
the waterfall
GILL What’s
this I see in my crystal ball
my
precious daughter and that young chuggy-peg
running
away
They
won’t get far
I’ll turn
myself once more
into a
giant
BILL It’s
your father
he’s
changed himself once more into a giant
and he’s
catching us up
GILL I
can’t go any faster
you can
you’ve
got toes on both feet
leave me
behind and run for your life
BILL never
I’ll
never leave you
GILL but
he’s getting closer all the time
BILL even
if he eats me for breakfast
I’ll
never leave you
GILL There’s
something we could try
put your
fingers into my hair
and pull
out my hair-comb
and throw
it to the ground
BILL so
Nothing-At-All plunged his fingers into her hair
and
pulled out her hair-comb
and her
long dark hair
came
tumbling down around her shoulders
streaming
behind her has she ran
GILL how
dare you touch my daughter’s hair
you
horrible little boy
I’ll
crunch your bones for this
BILL But
Nothing-At-All threw the comb to the ground
and lo
and behold
the
prongs of the comb
grew
straightaway
into
prickly briars and brambles
so that
the giant found himself stuck
in the
middle of a huge thorny hedge.
GILL How
could you do this to me
my own
daughter
you’ve
torn my clothes
and
scratched my skin
but I’m
your father
I taught
you all the magic you know
your puny
spells can’t stop me
BILL It’s
your father again
he’s
getting closer
and he
looks even madder than before
GILL There’s
something else we could try
put your
hand to my chest
unclasp
the brooch on my dress
and throw
it to the ground
BILL and
with his nimble fingers
this the
lad did
and her
unpinned dress
billowed
in the breeze
GILL How
dare you unpin my daughter’s dress
you
horrible little boy
I’ll
munch your joints for this
BILL But
Nothing-At-All threw the brooch to the ground
and lo
and behold
the barbs
of the brooch
sprung
straightaway
into
sharp metal spikes
so that
the giant found himself stuck
in the
middle of a ring of steel.
GILL How
could you do this to me
my own
daughter
you’ve
speared my flesh
and
pierced me to the heart
but I’m
your father
I taught
you all the magic you know
your puny
spells can’t stop me
BILL It’s
your father again
whatever
we do he’s going to catch us
GILL run
BILL no
GILL run
it’s you
he’s after
BILL I’ll
never leave you
GILL there’s
one last chance
I’ve
never tried this before
undo the
magic flask
sprinkle
a few drops of what’s inside on the ground
BILL it’s
too late
GILL no
quick
BILL I
can’t get the top off
GILL keep
calm
BILL here
it comes
GILL but
in his hurry
Nothing-At-All
spilt
very nearly all of what was in the flask
onto the
ground
BILL I’m
such a clumsy clot
and lo
and behold
the water
from the flask
welled up
at once
into a
huge wave
that
would have swept Nothing-At-All away
GILL if
the magician’s Daughter hadn’t wrapped him in her scarf
and held
on tight.
BILL And
the wave grew and grew
till it washed
right over the giant’s waist
and
it grew and grew some more
till it washed
right over the giant’s shoulders
and
it grew and grew some more
till it washed right over right over
the giant’s head
GILL and
that Giant-Magician
were never ever seen again
BILL I
say
you
look most awfully tired
GILL Yes
I can’t
go another step further
Look
over
there
some
lights
see if
you can find us somewhere to stay the night
BILL No,
I don’t like to leave you here on your own
there
might be wild beasties about
or people
what want to hurt you
GILL Don’t
worry
I’ll
climb up into this tree
that’s
next to the pond
BILL I
say
Do
be careful
GILL here
I’ll be safe
And look
in the
pond
I can see
the reflection of the stars
twinkling
in the sky
I’ll wait
for you here
and rest
BILL These
lights that they had seen
These were
the lights of a castle
GILL but
not just any castle
BILL no,
these were the lights of the castle
where
Nothing-At-All were born
GILL But
it was such a long time ago since he’d left
that
Nothing-At-All didn’t recognise the place
to begin
with
BILL He
came at first to the Hen-Wife’s house
GILL You
remember the Hen-Wife?
BILL It
was all because of Nothing-At-All
that the
giant had killed her son
Excuse
me.
I’m
looking for somewhere
for my
friend and me
to spend
the night?
GILL And
who might you be?
BILL Me? I’m Nothing-At-All.
GILL Oh
you are you
you’re
Nothing-At-All are you
Well well
well
BILL Excuse
me
Do I
recognise you?
GILL I’m
sure you’d like a drink of milk
you being
so weary after your journey
and then
you can carry on to the castle
and ask
the King and Queen to put you up
how about
that?
BILL That’s
very nice of you
GILL But
it wasn’t really very nice of her
because
she mixed into the milk
a magic
potion
so that
the moment he saw his parents
he would
fall into a deep sleep
and
no-one would be able to wake him
BILL Umm,
delicious
GILL Off
you go then to the castle
to see
the King and Queen
BILL Than
you very much
So up he rushed
to the castle gate
That’s funny
it feels
like I’ve been here before
perhaps
in a dream
Hello
is there
anyone there
I’m
looking for somewhere to spend the night
hello
GILL Young
man
you’re
looking for somewhere to stay the night you say
My husband
and I lost our son
and so
now
whenever
a young person
comes
looking for somewhere to stay…
young man
young man
what a
strange thing
he’s
fallen sound asleep
young man
and I
don’t think I can wake him
They
tried all sorts of ways
but none
of them worked
BILL did
they try feathers?
GILL try
what?
BILL tickling
him with feathers
that
might have worked
GILL but
it didn’t
BILL did
they try trombones?
GILL try
what?
BILL blowing
trombones in his ear
that
might have worked
GILL but
it didn’t
BILL did
they try …
GILL they
tried everything
BILL but
what about …
GILL everything
BILL but
…
GILL everything
BILL good
just checking
GILL and
in the end
all they
could do
was tuck
him up in bed
and let
him sleep
GILL Next
morning the King had an idea
BILL He’s
a handsome young chap
I bet
there’ll be some pretty girl
who’ll
know how to wake him
I hereby
declare
that if
any young girl can wake this handsome young man
she shall
have in a marriage
and a
handsome sum of money as well
GILL The
Gardener’s daughter heard what the King said
BILL You
remember the Gardener?
The giant
had killed his son
but it’s
his daughter the story’s about now
GILL His
daughter really wasn’t very pretty
so when
she heard the King going on about pretty girls
she
thought she didn’t have chance
BILL No
not me
I’m not
pretty enough
GILL Now
She
was down at the pond
she
happened to be doing her usual job
of
filling her father’s watering can
when
looking in the pond
she saw
the reflection
of the
Magician’s Daughter up in the tree
BILL Ooh
is that
me?
GILL She
wasn’t the cleverest girl in the world
BILL is
that my reflection?
I’m not
as ugly as I thought
in fact
I’m really rather gorgeous
in fact
I’d
better have a go at waking the handsome young man
I’d like
an ‘andsome young man of my own
and an ‘andsome
sum of money as well
GILL And
then the gardener’s daughter had a bright idea
because
she wasn’t completely stupid
BILL I
know who’ll help me wake him
the
Hen-Wife
she’s dead
good at magic potions
GILL so
off she ran to the Hen-Wife
of course
I’ll help you my dear
you and
that handsome young man
would
make a lovely couple
BILL will
you give me a magic potion then please
GILL you
don’t need a magic potion to wake him
what you
need is a magic song
listen
and learn
Wake up handsome
day’s
a-breaking
pease
pudding’s hot
and the Chorley-cakes are baking
early in the morning
when the sun is high
I’m going to bake you
a hommity pie
think you
can remember that?
BILL I’ve
got to haven’t I
GILL and
if you want him to go to sleep again
you just
sing it backwards
BILL backwards?
Ooh
heck.
ta very
much
GILL and
up she went to the castle to try her luck
by this
time nearly every young girl in the country
had tried
to wake Nothing-At-All
but he
was still snoring away like there was no tomorrow
BILL my
turn now
Wake up handsome
day’s a-breaking
the pease pudding’s hot
and the chorley-cakes are baking
early in the morning
when the sun is high
I’m going to bake you
an hommity pie
hello
who are
you?
where am
I?
you’re in the castle
you’ve been asleep
I’ve just managed to wake you up
and I’m going to marry you
oh really?
How frightful
I’d rather go back to sleep
that’s not very kind now is it
but I’ll let you sleep a little bit
longer
just till I got the wedding
organdised
I got to sing it backwards now
Where’s the magician’s daughter all
this while
GILL She
was still in the tree of course
BILL still?
GILL yes
BILL I’m
worried about her
GILL what
do you mean
BILL I’m
worried she might drop off
out of
the tree into the pond
on
account of having nothing to hold on to
GILL no
need to worry any longer
we’ve got
to the bit
where she
gets resuced
BILL Oh
good
who by?
GILL by
the Gardener
BILL the
gardener
GILL yes
BILL the
one who‘s son were killed by th’ giant?
GILL that’s
right
BILL and
‘e’s got the not very pretty daughter
GILL that’s
right
anyway
the gardener went down to the pond
to fill his watering can
BILL No,
you said/
His
daughter did it for him
GILL she
did usually
but she was busy that day
getting ready for her wedding
BILL Fair
enough
GILL and
the gardener saw the magician’s daughter’s reflection
in the pond
BILL and
of course ‘e knew it weren’t ‘is own reflection
GILL so
he looked up into the tree
and saw
the magician’s daughter
tired and
hungry
and very
sad
because she thought that
Nothing-At-All
had forgotten all about her
BILL And
the gardener helped her climb down from the tree
and he took her home
and he fed her
Everything’s
a bit upside down at the moment
On
account of me daughter
getting
married in the morning
to an handsome
young man
what’s been asleep in the castle
these past few days
she woke him with a song the Hen-Wife
taught her apparently
I don’t know
GILL When
exactly did this handsome young man arrive?
BILL night
before last if I remember right
me
daughter’s to get an handsome sum of money as well
GILL which
way’s the castle
BILL why
it’s that-a-way
but
you’re not strong enough my dear
GILL too
late
she’d
gone
BILL she
went racing through the castle gate
GILL running
up and down the castle corridors
BILL run
run run run run she went
And
a run run run run run
And
a run run run run run
she
went peeking inside all the castle chambers
GILL till
at last she finds him
BILL Nothing-At-All
asleep in
a chair
GILL Nothing-At-All
Nothing-At-All
wake
it’s me
wake
My love helped you clean the stable
My love helped you empty the lake
My love helped you climb to the top
of tree
Will you not wake for my sake?
BILL Excuse
me
I don’t know who you think you are
or what you think you’re doing
but this is my husband-to-be
we’re about to get married
and I’ve got to wake him
so clear off out it why don’t you
GILL But
she didn’t clear off out of it
she hid herself behind a chair
BILL Wake
up andsome
day’s a breaking
pease pudding’s hot